Reality's realization

As my hands thumb wrestle for the sky,

I stretch my arms to wrap around my ideas,

And I have to say, I have battled with being a woman, 

Striving to have the world seize the beauty from both outside and within me, 

            Maybeline, Covergirl, and Loreal,

all being misinterpretations of what makes a woman,

yet it’s a society addiction to cover the girl that’s really underneath

with all the make up lies...lines you don’t define me,

I’m always at everyone else’s request to be more “womanly”,

the interpretation may vary,

but for me,

they’re always asking for Halle Berry’s face,

Lauren London’s curves, Janet Jackson abs,

J. Lo’s ass, and whoever they can create for everything else in-between,

thinking that we all can be cookie cutter duplicates tumbling out of the heavens,

but I am pregnant with more potential then your mind can withhold…so don’t compare,

I’m constantly running on life’s treadmills,

so daily I work to be loveable even when I’m cramping inside monthly,

raging like a tornado, because I never want any variation of the word “bitch”

to come through anyone’s mouth…so I always put my game face on,

And I know that a man does enjoy an independent woman,

no autopilot, the ability to make him melt in his tracks,

have him happy to admit that I am his home,

but only and as long as our stilettos are not walking across their toes

or stepping on their back bones

because they’re mothers cuddled them… far too long,

it’s the same with wanting

but never knowing how or who to give the green light to

shred the dead layers of facades hanging off me that I put up

only for protection,

because I have a track list of betrayals,

shattered hearts,

and once upon a time moments buried…somewhere

Recently, life had started making me believe that surviving

IT

was only a privilege, 

That it’s only natural that I’m beautifully broken

from being dropped from people’s lives one too many damn times,

that it’s common for many woman like myself,

who don’t like to share themselves

because we’re always returned out-of-order,

that we all eventually start to sling love songs out the front door,

hate beauty, especially our very own,

and soon enough,

stop believing in men…emotional middle finger follows,

But we all have moments that we’re blind,

cuffed to empty promises, clawing at empty dreams,

holding a share of our jar of hearts,

cross referencing past pictures to current scars

that is traceable on our shoulders and back for carrying them…far too long,

I’m tired of playing dress up in this city of broken syllables,

mixing and matching,

being told “Mr. Right” “The One” “Prince Charming” will come

and sweep me off my feet,

but waiting for one man to come “get” you is frustrating,

and I’m not striving for average,

so instead of calling onto Jesus to answer my prayer,

I leave it all up to fate,

Wake up to the smell of starts,

take bites out of inspiration,

shoot up accomplishments,

make out with liberation’s lips,

no limits, endless possibilities is my pulse as I readjust my eyesight,

Remove knife from my back to cut ties,

Form my purpose in life into mallets and beat it into the world

And for the first time breathe, like the first breath after a coma,

Because the bad habit of throwing myself down the stairs don’t suit me,

I may be far from perfect… but I know I’m perfect enough

Stay blessed-Much Love

Miss Ember

Fools don't reside here anymore...

"The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely" -- Carl Gustav Jung

It's funny how life has many ways of showing and teaching you things even when you don't expect it to.I was debating with myself for a little bit about what my next blog post was going to be about. After talking to a friend of mine at lunch, whose in a happy new relationship and she shared a wonderful youtube video which I have posted below, I decided that I would discuss about my journey with being a single woman since August, by CHOICE.
"I will no longer date....sorta kinda. You know he sorta kinda right but sorta kinda wrong, his first name Luke his last name Warm, I will not settle for false companionship....cause all I gotta do is say No"--Janette..IKZ
              After my last "relationship" I had to confront myself. Bluntly put, I was tired of being fooled. Fooled by giving people the benefit of the doubt, giving them chances and trust they didn't earn, and in return I became broken.  At times people had considered me to be a "serial dater" that was never my intention. Every relationship I was in I was committed to, but at many times I didn't get to know the person prior to giving my heart away or thinking I could "change them" "make them better" and/or "give it time". Excuses that most women and even men allow to dance around in our head verifying that our actions are okay.
    So I decided to do something about ME, and focused all the energy and time I would put into a relationship, towards myself.  It was the best decision and relationship I have ever been in.  I set a goal because as told before "A goal without a deadline is just a wish" I didn't want to wish a better relationship with myself, I wanted to BE in a better relationship with myself. So my goal was for a minimum of 6 months, no boyfriends and no sex.  I could go on a date with someone I wanted to get to know better, but nothing exclusive, no arrangements, just purely company. Of course I told the men that approached me that I wasn't looking for a relationship other then with myself at this time. Many of them considered it a challenge, others respected it, and others didn't comprehend, but I didn't care I knew I had set this goal for myself, and no one else. 
       Having a relationship with yourself is the best blessing and the hardest, challenging goal one person can do for themselves. The Best because you start to see who YOU really are, the great personality and characteristics you possess, the love for your body, ("flaws" and all) the knowledge and insight you gain for yourself (and others to share, once you've handled your own demons). You get to know and see YOUR WORTH so much that whenever someone comes at you negatively, you know who you are and your feelings towards yourself can not sway. For example, if someone was to say "You're not attractive at all..look at your ( legs, stomach, breast, butt, face, teeth, etc)"  or "You have a (fill in the blank) personality". You will be able to stand strong and know that you're beautiful just the way you are, and that most likely what they're saying negatively towards you is something that is mirroring back to them that they haven't found and/or evaluated in themselves to overcome. 
       I will admit there are things that we all need to work on but there is a way to let someone know politely and respectfully that you've noticed a challenge and that you would like to help.  And if all fails, as my Dad told me, if you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all.  
                                                  But back to US, 
         It was of course Hard because not many people want to be "alone" and/or single. Majority of life we understand, especially women (and the whole biological clock ticking) the connection for companionship, its definitely a need and want. At the time when I finally started focusing on me, all of my friends started to get into or working towards a relationship. It was like I grew up too fast in the beginning, I wanted a relationship earlier then everyone else. Partially having to do with my parents being high school sweethearts and being together for 31 years now. Of course there was temptation too, even with people I've known for awhile or was extremely attracted to, but like I said I needed to do it for ME, and no one else.
       If YOU can not accept yourself fully with all your flaws and perfect imperfections, how do you expect to be in a happy new relationship, when you don't understand yourself or don't love yourself. Yes, it may sound cliche. "Love yourself, for if you don't, how can you expect anybody else to love you?"  I know all of us have heard it at least once, twice for good measure, but there's truth in it and that's why your great great grand parents, great grand parents, grand parents, parents, and if you are or will be parents will pass it along as well. 
   I am still on my journey, even passed my initial goal of 6 months, but until I feel that it's right and I have accomplished what I know I need for my future, I will stay on this journey.  So even if you're in a relationship now, or you're single like myself, take time to evaluate, understand and love yourself, no one can do it better then yourself. It will help you see life in a new light as well as help your family and friends understand you better, and nourish and open new doors for re-newed or new love in your life.

"To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance" ---Oscar Wilde


---Dont forget to check out the "I will wait for you" youtube video. You will be blessed!---


Stay blessed-Much Love
Miss Ember
         

The Forgiver or the Forgiven

"Forgiving is looking at the person who has offended you in a totally different way: through the eyes of charity and love. It's a hard thing to do, but it can change a life because forgiveness breathes new life into a relationship and changes the chemistry between two people--from bitterness to tenderness"---Daphne Rose Kingma

This week I had purchased some new books, I love reading! I don't know too many who do now-a-days.  Within my reading this quote was provided and has such perfect timing for me in my life.  Not too long ago I posted about moving forward from your past. Two big blocks of my life was my ex best friend and my ex boyfriend.  It's crazy how life can make a full circle, life is really about cycles and rhythms, and it's up to YOU what you are wanting to do with them.  My ex boyfriend contacted me again, even after I didn't respond to his emails of him wanting to talk to me.  I won't get too much into the message other then the fact that he found God, closer then usual, and couldn't "move on" without basically my forgiveness for what he had done to me <without admitting that he did anything wrong>. Being a spiritual person who understands religion. (I went to a Catholic high school, Christian middle school) I know that forgiveness is a big role in both beliefs, when Jesus forgave our sins on the cross. Through every chapter in the bible there is some form of being the forgiver or being forgiven.  As Jesus story proves, being forgiven is no easy task. Can I say that I have forgiven him, my ex?
 I have forgiven my fault in dating him (ha!) Do I forgive him for cheating on me? I forgive him enough to move on, not to respond to his messages with a care of wanting to be in contact with him, and for me to write about him in this post, on my blog for the last time. I will say seeing his message appear in my inbox and him talking all high and mighty, saying he loves me as a sister in faith (now) truly irritated me. And yet with him saying so much about God, he did not admit his faults (repent), without admitting faults. Still thinking that it was just a "big misunderstanding", if at all. Cheating is not a big misunderstanding, especially if you have a history of it. So as I had told him,  I'm leaving him and that "relationship"in God's hands, for God to forgive him. 

     "You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well" --Lewis B Smedes

                      On another note, my ex best friend<the most recent>, she recently emailed me too.  I haven't told her this, but my ex and her, whenever something was going on, both of them would pop into my life at the same time. So I expected her to get in contact with me, but not for the reasons that the emailed explained.  She had read my blog post about her, and on top of that, she had been thinking about me for a while, and more for the past week.  She didn't want me to go through life, especially if anything happened to her and I,  remembering her by the hurtful things she said.  She went on to explain deeper emotions and thoughts that I didn't expect for her to share, or feel.  I was shocked, happy, and confused all in one. I had contemplated whether or not to reply, with a "yes let's see where this can go again", or reply with "thanks for sharing but I rather not open that door back open".  After speaking with my mother and meditating about it. I believed that she and I deserved a second chance at our friendship.  The fact that we BOTH could admit our wrongs, and able to hear each others view openly, and understand it, (whether agreed or not) shows that a second chance is worth giving. Of course it will definitely take time to see if we will ever get to the level we once was, <maybe it's best that we dont, and go beyond that>. The past week she and I have been exchanging emails, similar to how it was a few years ago, we called it back then our facebook diaries.  Goes to show how communicating without our feelings leading the way, clouding our view, can go a long way.  These emails remind me of why I had called her my soul sister, and was so devastated when things went the route it did. In this case with this much positivity and happiness coming from understanding and emails deserves a second chance in my book.  It will take time for us to forget, but forgiveness it's always important and I know that I have forgiven her, and I feel that she has forgiven me as well.

Forgive/Forget comes with different territories, depending on the situation. In my current experience,  at times it's best to keep a door closed, such as my ex boyfriend, and at times, some people, friendships, and relationships deserve second chances, my best friend. YOU need to be the judge of that, as to what you expect from someone and of course yourself.  Not all things are meant to be recycled. 

Much Love-Stay blessed,
Miss Ember

Congratulations to ME

New years resolution. I honestly never make them yearly, I do my best to make them daily.  However, before I used to just say them, I would speak of them but now I  
1.)write them down, 
2.)focus/meditate it, and 
3.)put a date on this thought/goal/dream, 
         because a "goal without a date is just a wish." -Deborah Smith Pegues. 

This definitely has been a challenge, because when life starts to feel at peace finally!... you get comfortable and forget how you got to where you are now, by doing everything that you stopped doing because you-got-comfortable.  Habits are definitely hard to break, they have a time limit of when one person may break a habit.  In my opinion I don't think there is a time limit, because there is always that small percentage that you will jump back into the cycle that you've been trying to break for all that time.

As some people call it, "soul searching" I have really been taking a personal time out for the year 2011 to focus on ME. I think many people especially in society makes us to believe that having me-time is selfish. When in actuality, putting everyone before you 24/7 and never taking a me-time to focus on your breathe is selfish.  Because I am responsible for my own happiness and my own growth.  If I never take some time out each day to focus on me, who will? The more faithful we are to ourselves, to our own time, the opportunity for blessings to walk through doors and reach us is available.  Which is there to allow us to be happy, grow, and help everyone else around us that we put before us, such as our partners, children, parents, work, etc.  You can't help someone else if you're unable to help yourself.

From personal experience now, I've realized when I stopped looking for blessings, example: love, the more I received.  It's true when you stop looking you will find it.  I have had my share of failures, pain, suffering, defeats, frustrations, and even depressed moments. But when I truly believed and knew that I create my OWN happiness, that no one else can do it for me is when I started finding happiness.  I am the only person who can give me what I need. It's when I started to see the people around me love for me <for me>, and how happy I make them and how happy they make me. But when you're looking one way and not both ways you are bound to get run over.   

And readers, you are probably of all ages, and some may say "I'm too old", "it's too late", "it is what it is" in regards to change. Please stop, because those are just excuses as well as ways of saying I'm comfortable with the way things are, even if you may be unhappy.  Life is what you make of it, and no one can stay stationary in life forever, you either rise up or sink, I think I can say for all that we rather rise up. Rise up to enjoy the benefits of happiness, understanding, love, and reaching our dreams. Today you can take the resolution to grow as a person, as who YOU are. It's never too late. You are the author of your feelings, thoughts, and life. People can play a role in your life, but you are the creator of YOUR life.  


So take time to congratulate yourself, take time out to focus on your breath, focus on goals, dreams, your life.




Stay blessed-much love,
Miss Ember

Have Enough Respect for yourself to say NO

I think a lot of people have lost respect for the individual, you know, the individual, the person who doesn't conform.---Erykah Badu

 

Have you ever had one of those days, or actually weekends where you have so much to say but you don't know where to begin?  Well, that's where I stand right now. And this post may turn discombobulated or a vent,  but maybe that's what I need right now.


So to start off since this is the topic that is on my mind right now.I think everyone is a fan of someone, especially celebrities. Well I have definitely learned that at many times being a fan is the best thing, to stay JUST being a fan. I had the opportunity to meet someone who I truly adoreD their musical talents, And I'm not the type of person who puts names in post, but I may need to for this because disappointment was an understatement. I had the opportunity to speak and hang out with this artist.  We were both vibing with each other, until the realization smacked me, no punched me in the face that, all he wanted was sex. No conversation at all, because that's considered an interview in his eyes. No he doesn't want to know anything about me because mid way through me saying anything he doesn't remember my name.  He had put on such a great facade in public, it definitely brings me to think that all artists such as singers, rappers, are  undercover actors (actresses). They put on this wonderful show of a certain package, but when the eyes of the media is away truly the mouse will WANT to come out and play.  In no way or form am I a groupie. I have too much respect for myself, as I told one of my friends, I may like you, but I LOVE myself. I can admit that my mistake is believing and trusting people too much. I want to see the best in everyone, but at times, some people don't have a best in them.  And I don't like to say this saying, but somethings "it is what it is".  I just couldn't believe how disrespectful he was, how all his songs currently state one thing yet he's the exact opposite of what he says and do.  HE even said that what he does in public is for show....And so now I can see why he's a lonely, horny, immature, disrespectful dog and I know that karma will greet him in the near future.  I told him I know you being a celebrity you're not used to being rejected or hearing the word "NO" but no! I had such high expectations for or a standard of him, because of the music, his blogs, videos, interviews etc, yet he's just a dog who gained popularity and money in his back pocket.  And it absolutely sucks that he knows he can get away with just wanting to have sex with his "fans", because there are fans excuse me, groupies, who will sleep with celebrities just to say that they did....but umm hell no! I AM a woman of class, intelligence and I have come too far for some upcoming artist (or artist at all) to bring me to a level of a ho. So readers, especially ladies, appreciate the artist work, but definitely keep everything short and sweet and don't grab onto the opportunity to hang out with a celeb. If you exchange numbers, keep it as that, no more no less then a conversation because "all they want" in exchange for that time is what YOU have between your legs, and have enough respect for yourself, for women, to say NO!


And I'm going to sleep on, whether I should blow up this celeb's spotlight in the REAL light... 


When a woman removes her garment, she also removes the respect that is hers.--- Herodotus

Stay blessed..Much Love,
Miss Ember

One way on a Dead End Street

Why are you lodged right here in my thoughts, it’s been long enough,

This is the third time this week that I’ve been drifting down this one way street, fixed in-between the median and the sidewalk and you being the traffic that I’m stuck in, I know this isn’t the first time life tried to imprison me, and it won’t be the last that I’m praying to God to drop a word so I can marry his thoughts, as I’m trying to stop the rebirth of butterflies from the ashes within me, I see this couple ahead of me, and yet I hear this voice behind me whispering “take three steps back and tell me what you see now…”

          He stood there, all knowingly that he had rehearsed this scene a million times before, he had every line prepared, no hesitation, no guilt, just painting her mind with his palette of make believe dreams, still giving her lines and expressions that not even Hallmark cards could print…

          Then I saw her, trying to hide the broken images dancing within as she watched his script written on his face, playing within his eyes, gallows of heartache approaching above her, future in her pocket gripped as his burning words traces the outline of their fate, emotions surrounded her, tangled in anger and tears, hoping he’ll grab an inch of it as she reaches into the deepest pockets of her mind, her voice unraveling saying..

           “I don’t want to say you’re wrong but you’re so damn wrong and the last and the next couple of things you’re going to say are most likely are as well. You really know how to make fairytale dreams and castles out of sand. “The Prince of Strokes” they should call you.  You cast your shadow where it shouldn’t be; you leave your scent on other girl’s comforters and lick their ears with your famous three word quote. How dare you speak words of love with hurt in the forethought? I had engulfed your pitiful “I love yous” and lately I’ve been contemplating where did you place my love for you?  Maybe it snuck behind you those many nights and you left it by her bed side, or maybe it got left in-between her lips, you know, heaven is between my thighs, just in case you didn’t get the memo. And one day, maybe not tonight, but one day, someone will choke you up with nooses of honesty and all these memories of me and all the other women you have done wrong will eat at your flesh, have you suffocating on the fumes of revelation of “what you’re really like”,  because you need to consider yourself  less than, inferior to, almost but never quite, the man you think you really are, and the side effects of this revelation may include finding your manhood, respecting women, understanding the value of love, not speaking in guarantees, and simply doing what you say you will do. I know you’ll try to prove these words I speak wrong but the parade of scars you leave behind on me and every other loop on your belt buckle is living, breathing diaries, and I could stay mad at myself for loving you, and I could be mad at you for not loving me but someone else,

But then how would that help me?”

Then I saw her take three steps back, and walk away….

Moving Forward

So it has been several months since the last time I had written in here but I'm adding this blog into my meditation routine so that I won't neglect it like I have been.  I know people think or say that people can not change in a short amount of time. However I feel like I am the same person but I have grown a lot into being wise and understanding life itself.
 For example:
                   1. There was this woman, I knew her for 3 years, maybe more then that, well it felt longer.  I enjoyed her company, even with having a best friend previous to her, I could actually call her my best friend and sister, and meant it more with all my heart then I could understand to share at the time. It was crazy how we became friends, people thought it would be impossible for us to be so close and have no intentions of calling it quits, but life and people in this life, have ways of manipulating the situation.  No matter how long you know someone I guess you truly don't know someone until the hard time or times come. We had two major fights within a week, both involving other people, one her husband and second my ex best friend, in the 3 years I knew her.  I hate when friendships and relationships end because of other people's doing, and not because WE didn't make it work. But even though I miss that friendship, and being able to share things that I couldn't tell anyone else without being looked at psychotic, seeing her beautiful kids, laughing it up with her parents, going out to clubs and having the most extreme craziest adventures, that still to this day even though we don't talk, I still share with other people about it. I can actually say I have moved on and know that she was a person I needed to leave behind, even if I didn't want to. I had held a lot of resentment towards her previously, especially right after we stopped talking, and even briefly a bit hurt when I saw her hanging out with my ex best friend. I literally saw my face being removed and replaced with her face, so much that I thought about writing her an email just to say something, I didn't even know what, but after meditating about it, sharing it with my parents and people who've known me longer then I've known myself, we all agreed I need to put that behind me. No need to keep stepping back into the past when I have moved forward so much within the past months. So with that conclusion I wish you the best if you ever read this, I do, even through all the bullshit.  I wish you a successful marriage, and that your kids continue to grow beautifully, and even though you've hurt me more then words could describe, I'm doing amazing, and I don't take back our friendship, sisterhood. Stay blessed!


Another example:  My most recent ex from last year, it's crazy what people are capable of doing even when you think that they never would.  He's a great magician, he's great at creating illusions of what you want, and giving you nothing in return.  I was willing to wait for him for 2 years while he traveled overseas for a teaching opportunity, only for him to cheat with his co-worker that traveled with him. We all had hanged out with each other in the states until they both left.  I gave her my blessing, only for the person you least expect to stab you in the back. "" If a girl ever "steals" your man, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him, because a good man can never be stolen."" This statement is so true. I was so devastated when I found out through transcripts on skype that he was with someone else, and even when I confronted him he still denied everything. So I had to do what was the best for me, I called it quits.  I'm way too good of a woman to waste my time on someone who doesn't see what I see. I used to call him asshole or roll my eyes whenever his name came up in conversations, but the past month I've been able to say his name and even laugh at some of the things people say with past or recent stories since we still have a lot of mutual friends. Then recently I had this dream about him and his girlfriend (side note what is exactly a promise ring? Especially if that someone has been engaged previously twice? Stalling method?) and his name came up more in conversations, I felt like an interaction was soon on its way. Which I was right, the next day I get a phone call from him, I didn't pick up. I was more so WTF? then willing to hear him, I email him to ask why he call, long story short, he denies that he called, that I'm the last thing on his mind and that I shouldn't have an attitude with him. RIIIIIIIIIGHT?! but I told him to delete my number and to never make contact with me. Well I guess he didn't understand that because he recently contacted me through email again saying he would like to discuss something with me that he can't do through text/email and it's on me if I want to hear what he has to say.  If I could tell you the whole story readers you would know that I've gave him more then his share of chances to discuss with me, but he always denied me the opportunity to speak my mind, to hear "his side" etc way before, and now he gives a promise ring to his girlfriend and want to make a clean slate with me, well this is what I have to say, "no. you may have all your others exs as your friends, but NOT me, if you can't treat me right when you say "i love you" or as your girlfriend, or keep him in your pants, and break up with me as a man you think you are, you DONT deserve my friendship, and nothing you can say can change that."  I'm not taking any more steps back into that past with him, his new "life", I'm moving forward because I was happy before him and I'm more happy without him now.

All these revelations took a lot of tears, contemplating, and hurt, but I know that where I am now, I need to be here.  I've been reading up on spiritual, body and mind healing. And it truly does wonders, I was skeptical, but no longer. It's part of my daily routine along with reading and doing my affirmations.  The easiest thing to do is to be happy and always think positive thoughts, because one's thought are powerful.And if you expect negativity, and stay in a negative pattern, that's what you will get majority of the time.  I am not saying making these changes is smooth sailing, but taking the first step and having faith, is what you need to do to at least begin to breathe a new life.




Stay blessed-Much Love
Miss Ember