The Self Mutilation We Call Love

I dig into the sun to paint you into this poem

because I couldn’t think of any other proper form of ink

than the one that gives life.

Lately I’ve been sipping on broken hearts,

Collecting silver linings,

Trying to get a hold on this mess of a heart that I have slowly

sewn into this work of art,

Every now and then, I keep my hurt in my pocket like spare change,

hoping I could give it away little by little to anyone I came in contact with.

You see, I crave your closeness but apparently I’m unreliable and inconsistent,

because sometimes I needed you, and other times I wanted you,

and even today sometimes I still need you.

Why would you ever want to leave when we found shelter wherever we lay,

Did you not hear the rhythm of my heartbeat beat differently around you?

Or did I not recognize that I held myself in too tight and didn’t allow enough of you in?

I told you I love you not expecting to bring you back,

I told you I love you because you live in the delusional crevices of my mind,

sending shockwaves into my soul,

and I just needed some form of peace from that piece of your love,

I told you because I was ignorant to how naïve I was before

in lying to myself that I didn’t love you,

I told you because I didn’t know where else to put my love

for you,

because there you are, as always, your silhouette in cursive appearing in every line of my every word.

I told you because my love toxicity was too high to function and you have ways of stirring me into an emotional wreck,

so badly,

that lately I’ve asked myself how can I make myself feeeel better?

So I’ve been cuddling up with serpents hoping with the lights turned off I could feel a little bit closer to you,

I would strip vocal cords from someone else in hopes their high notes would dip into me like yours did,

Hoping that being too blind and too drunk to perception I wouldn’t come to realize that it’s not you…

I told you I love you today because I never had the chance to wake up and tell you sweetly, picture perfect, what’s been the truth all along….