The Forgiver or the Forgiven

"Forgiving is looking at the person who has offended you in a totally different way: through the eyes of charity and love. It's a hard thing to do, but it can change a life because forgiveness breathes new life into a relationship and changes the chemistry between two people--from bitterness to tenderness"---Daphne Rose Kingma

This week I had purchased some new books, I love reading! I don't know too many who do now-a-days.  Within my reading this quote was provided and has such perfect timing for me in my life.  Not too long ago I posted about moving forward from your past. Two big blocks of my life was my ex best friend and my ex boyfriend.  It's crazy how life can make a full circle, life is really about cycles and rhythms, and it's up to YOU what you are wanting to do with them.  My ex boyfriend contacted me again, even after I didn't respond to his emails of him wanting to talk to me.  I won't get too much into the message other then the fact that he found God, closer then usual, and couldn't "move on" without basically my forgiveness for what he had done to me <without admitting that he did anything wrong>. Being a spiritual person who understands religion. (I went to a Catholic high school, Christian middle school) I know that forgiveness is a big role in both beliefs, when Jesus forgave our sins on the cross. Through every chapter in the bible there is some form of being the forgiver or being forgiven.  As Jesus story proves, being forgiven is no easy task. Can I say that I have forgiven him, my ex?
 I have forgiven my fault in dating him (ha!) Do I forgive him for cheating on me? I forgive him enough to move on, not to respond to his messages with a care of wanting to be in contact with him, and for me to write about him in this post, on my blog for the last time. I will say seeing his message appear in my inbox and him talking all high and mighty, saying he loves me as a sister in faith (now) truly irritated me. And yet with him saying so much about God, he did not admit his faults (repent), without admitting faults. Still thinking that it was just a "big misunderstanding", if at all. Cheating is not a big misunderstanding, especially if you have a history of it. So as I had told him,  I'm leaving him and that "relationship"in God's hands, for God to forgive him. 

     "You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well" --Lewis B Smedes

                      On another note, my ex best friend<the most recent>, she recently emailed me too.  I haven't told her this, but my ex and her, whenever something was going on, both of them would pop into my life at the same time. So I expected her to get in contact with me, but not for the reasons that the emailed explained.  She had read my blog post about her, and on top of that, she had been thinking about me for a while, and more for the past week.  She didn't want me to go through life, especially if anything happened to her and I,  remembering her by the hurtful things she said.  She went on to explain deeper emotions and thoughts that I didn't expect for her to share, or feel.  I was shocked, happy, and confused all in one. I had contemplated whether or not to reply, with a "yes let's see where this can go again", or reply with "thanks for sharing but I rather not open that door back open".  After speaking with my mother and meditating about it. I believed that she and I deserved a second chance at our friendship.  The fact that we BOTH could admit our wrongs, and able to hear each others view openly, and understand it, (whether agreed or not) shows that a second chance is worth giving. Of course it will definitely take time to see if we will ever get to the level we once was, <maybe it's best that we dont, and go beyond that>. The past week she and I have been exchanging emails, similar to how it was a few years ago, we called it back then our facebook diaries.  Goes to show how communicating without our feelings leading the way, clouding our view, can go a long way.  These emails remind me of why I had called her my soul sister, and was so devastated when things went the route it did. In this case with this much positivity and happiness coming from understanding and emails deserves a second chance in my book.  It will take time for us to forget, but forgiveness it's always important and I know that I have forgiven her, and I feel that she has forgiven me as well.

Forgive/Forget comes with different territories, depending on the situation. In my current experience,  at times it's best to keep a door closed, such as my ex boyfriend, and at times, some people, friendships, and relationships deserve second chances, my best friend. YOU need to be the judge of that, as to what you expect from someone and of course yourself.  Not all things are meant to be recycled. 

Much Love-Stay blessed,
Miss Ember

Congratulations to ME

New years resolution. I honestly never make them yearly, I do my best to make them daily.  However, before I used to just say them, I would speak of them but now I  
1.)write them down, 
2.)focus/meditate it, and 
3.)put a date on this thought/goal/dream, 
         because a "goal without a date is just a wish." -Deborah Smith Pegues. 

This definitely has been a challenge, because when life starts to feel at peace finally!... you get comfortable and forget how you got to where you are now, by doing everything that you stopped doing because you-got-comfortable.  Habits are definitely hard to break, they have a time limit of when one person may break a habit.  In my opinion I don't think there is a time limit, because there is always that small percentage that you will jump back into the cycle that you've been trying to break for all that time.

As some people call it, "soul searching" I have really been taking a personal time out for the year 2011 to focus on ME. I think many people especially in society makes us to believe that having me-time is selfish. When in actuality, putting everyone before you 24/7 and never taking a me-time to focus on your breathe is selfish.  Because I am responsible for my own happiness and my own growth.  If I never take some time out each day to focus on me, who will? The more faithful we are to ourselves, to our own time, the opportunity for blessings to walk through doors and reach us is available.  Which is there to allow us to be happy, grow, and help everyone else around us that we put before us, such as our partners, children, parents, work, etc.  You can't help someone else if you're unable to help yourself.

From personal experience now, I've realized when I stopped looking for blessings, example: love, the more I received.  It's true when you stop looking you will find it.  I have had my share of failures, pain, suffering, defeats, frustrations, and even depressed moments. But when I truly believed and knew that I create my OWN happiness, that no one else can do it for me is when I started finding happiness.  I am the only person who can give me what I need. It's when I started to see the people around me love for me <for me>, and how happy I make them and how happy they make me. But when you're looking one way and not both ways you are bound to get run over.   

And readers, you are probably of all ages, and some may say "I'm too old", "it's too late", "it is what it is" in regards to change. Please stop, because those are just excuses as well as ways of saying I'm comfortable with the way things are, even if you may be unhappy.  Life is what you make of it, and no one can stay stationary in life forever, you either rise up or sink, I think I can say for all that we rather rise up. Rise up to enjoy the benefits of happiness, understanding, love, and reaching our dreams. Today you can take the resolution to grow as a person, as who YOU are. It's never too late. You are the author of your feelings, thoughts, and life. People can play a role in your life, but you are the creator of YOUR life.  


So take time to congratulate yourself, take time out to focus on your breath, focus on goals, dreams, your life.




Stay blessed-much love,
Miss Ember

Have Enough Respect for yourself to say NO

I think a lot of people have lost respect for the individual, you know, the individual, the person who doesn't conform.---Erykah Badu

 

Have you ever had one of those days, or actually weekends where you have so much to say but you don't know where to begin?  Well, that's where I stand right now. And this post may turn discombobulated or a vent,  but maybe that's what I need right now.


So to start off since this is the topic that is on my mind right now.I think everyone is a fan of someone, especially celebrities. Well I have definitely learned that at many times being a fan is the best thing, to stay JUST being a fan. I had the opportunity to meet someone who I truly adoreD their musical talents, And I'm not the type of person who puts names in post, but I may need to for this because disappointment was an understatement. I had the opportunity to speak and hang out with this artist.  We were both vibing with each other, until the realization smacked me, no punched me in the face that, all he wanted was sex. No conversation at all, because that's considered an interview in his eyes. No he doesn't want to know anything about me because mid way through me saying anything he doesn't remember my name.  He had put on such a great facade in public, it definitely brings me to think that all artists such as singers, rappers, are  undercover actors (actresses). They put on this wonderful show of a certain package, but when the eyes of the media is away truly the mouse will WANT to come out and play.  In no way or form am I a groupie. I have too much respect for myself, as I told one of my friends, I may like you, but I LOVE myself. I can admit that my mistake is believing and trusting people too much. I want to see the best in everyone, but at times, some people don't have a best in them.  And I don't like to say this saying, but somethings "it is what it is".  I just couldn't believe how disrespectful he was, how all his songs currently state one thing yet he's the exact opposite of what he says and do.  HE even said that what he does in public is for show....And so now I can see why he's a lonely, horny, immature, disrespectful dog and I know that karma will greet him in the near future.  I told him I know you being a celebrity you're not used to being rejected or hearing the word "NO" but no! I had such high expectations for or a standard of him, because of the music, his blogs, videos, interviews etc, yet he's just a dog who gained popularity and money in his back pocket.  And it absolutely sucks that he knows he can get away with just wanting to have sex with his "fans", because there are fans excuse me, groupies, who will sleep with celebrities just to say that they did....but umm hell no! I AM a woman of class, intelligence and I have come too far for some upcoming artist (or artist at all) to bring me to a level of a ho. So readers, especially ladies, appreciate the artist work, but definitely keep everything short and sweet and don't grab onto the opportunity to hang out with a celeb. If you exchange numbers, keep it as that, no more no less then a conversation because "all they want" in exchange for that time is what YOU have between your legs, and have enough respect for yourself, for women, to say NO!


And I'm going to sleep on, whether I should blow up this celeb's spotlight in the REAL light... 


When a woman removes her garment, she also removes the respect that is hers.--- Herodotus

Stay blessed..Much Love,
Miss Ember

One way on a Dead End Street

Why are you lodged right here in my thoughts, it’s been long enough,

This is the third time this week that I’ve been drifting down this one way street, fixed in-between the median and the sidewalk and you being the traffic that I’m stuck in, I know this isn’t the first time life tried to imprison me, and it won’t be the last that I’m praying to God to drop a word so I can marry his thoughts, as I’m trying to stop the rebirth of butterflies from the ashes within me, I see this couple ahead of me, and yet I hear this voice behind me whispering “take three steps back and tell me what you see now…”

          He stood there, all knowingly that he had rehearsed this scene a million times before, he had every line prepared, no hesitation, no guilt, just painting her mind with his palette of make believe dreams, still giving her lines and expressions that not even Hallmark cards could print…

          Then I saw her, trying to hide the broken images dancing within as she watched his script written on his face, playing within his eyes, gallows of heartache approaching above her, future in her pocket gripped as his burning words traces the outline of their fate, emotions surrounded her, tangled in anger and tears, hoping he’ll grab an inch of it as she reaches into the deepest pockets of her mind, her voice unraveling saying..

           “I don’t want to say you’re wrong but you’re so damn wrong and the last and the next couple of things you’re going to say are most likely are as well. You really know how to make fairytale dreams and castles out of sand. “The Prince of Strokes” they should call you.  You cast your shadow where it shouldn’t be; you leave your scent on other girl’s comforters and lick their ears with your famous three word quote. How dare you speak words of love with hurt in the forethought? I had engulfed your pitiful “I love yous” and lately I’ve been contemplating where did you place my love for you?  Maybe it snuck behind you those many nights and you left it by her bed side, or maybe it got left in-between her lips, you know, heaven is between my thighs, just in case you didn’t get the memo. And one day, maybe not tonight, but one day, someone will choke you up with nooses of honesty and all these memories of me and all the other women you have done wrong will eat at your flesh, have you suffocating on the fumes of revelation of “what you’re really like”,  because you need to consider yourself  less than, inferior to, almost but never quite, the man you think you really are, and the side effects of this revelation may include finding your manhood, respecting women, understanding the value of love, not speaking in guarantees, and simply doing what you say you will do. I know you’ll try to prove these words I speak wrong but the parade of scars you leave behind on me and every other loop on your belt buckle is living, breathing diaries, and I could stay mad at myself for loving you, and I could be mad at you for not loving me but someone else,

But then how would that help me?”

Then I saw her take three steps back, and walk away….

Moving Forward

So it has been several months since the last time I had written in here but I'm adding this blog into my meditation routine so that I won't neglect it like I have been.  I know people think or say that people can not change in a short amount of time. However I feel like I am the same person but I have grown a lot into being wise and understanding life itself.
 For example:
                   1. There was this woman, I knew her for 3 years, maybe more then that, well it felt longer.  I enjoyed her company, even with having a best friend previous to her, I could actually call her my best friend and sister, and meant it more with all my heart then I could understand to share at the time. It was crazy how we became friends, people thought it would be impossible for us to be so close and have no intentions of calling it quits, but life and people in this life, have ways of manipulating the situation.  No matter how long you know someone I guess you truly don't know someone until the hard time or times come. We had two major fights within a week, both involving other people, one her husband and second my ex best friend, in the 3 years I knew her.  I hate when friendships and relationships end because of other people's doing, and not because WE didn't make it work. But even though I miss that friendship, and being able to share things that I couldn't tell anyone else without being looked at psychotic, seeing her beautiful kids, laughing it up with her parents, going out to clubs and having the most extreme craziest adventures, that still to this day even though we don't talk, I still share with other people about it. I can actually say I have moved on and know that she was a person I needed to leave behind, even if I didn't want to. I had held a lot of resentment towards her previously, especially right after we stopped talking, and even briefly a bit hurt when I saw her hanging out with my ex best friend. I literally saw my face being removed and replaced with her face, so much that I thought about writing her an email just to say something, I didn't even know what, but after meditating about it, sharing it with my parents and people who've known me longer then I've known myself, we all agreed I need to put that behind me. No need to keep stepping back into the past when I have moved forward so much within the past months. So with that conclusion I wish you the best if you ever read this, I do, even through all the bullshit.  I wish you a successful marriage, and that your kids continue to grow beautifully, and even though you've hurt me more then words could describe, I'm doing amazing, and I don't take back our friendship, sisterhood. Stay blessed!


Another example:  My most recent ex from last year, it's crazy what people are capable of doing even when you think that they never would.  He's a great magician, he's great at creating illusions of what you want, and giving you nothing in return.  I was willing to wait for him for 2 years while he traveled overseas for a teaching opportunity, only for him to cheat with his co-worker that traveled with him. We all had hanged out with each other in the states until they both left.  I gave her my blessing, only for the person you least expect to stab you in the back. "" If a girl ever "steals" your man, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him, because a good man can never be stolen."" This statement is so true. I was so devastated when I found out through transcripts on skype that he was with someone else, and even when I confronted him he still denied everything. So I had to do what was the best for me, I called it quits.  I'm way too good of a woman to waste my time on someone who doesn't see what I see. I used to call him asshole or roll my eyes whenever his name came up in conversations, but the past month I've been able to say his name and even laugh at some of the things people say with past or recent stories since we still have a lot of mutual friends. Then recently I had this dream about him and his girlfriend (side note what is exactly a promise ring? Especially if that someone has been engaged previously twice? Stalling method?) and his name came up more in conversations, I felt like an interaction was soon on its way. Which I was right, the next day I get a phone call from him, I didn't pick up. I was more so WTF? then willing to hear him, I email him to ask why he call, long story short, he denies that he called, that I'm the last thing on his mind and that I shouldn't have an attitude with him. RIIIIIIIIIGHT?! but I told him to delete my number and to never make contact with me. Well I guess he didn't understand that because he recently contacted me through email again saying he would like to discuss something with me that he can't do through text/email and it's on me if I want to hear what he has to say.  If I could tell you the whole story readers you would know that I've gave him more then his share of chances to discuss with me, but he always denied me the opportunity to speak my mind, to hear "his side" etc way before, and now he gives a promise ring to his girlfriend and want to make a clean slate with me, well this is what I have to say, "no. you may have all your others exs as your friends, but NOT me, if you can't treat me right when you say "i love you" or as your girlfriend, or keep him in your pants, and break up with me as a man you think you are, you DONT deserve my friendship, and nothing you can say can change that."  I'm not taking any more steps back into that past with him, his new "life", I'm moving forward because I was happy before him and I'm more happy without him now.

All these revelations took a lot of tears, contemplating, and hurt, but I know that where I am now, I need to be here.  I've been reading up on spiritual, body and mind healing. And it truly does wonders, I was skeptical, but no longer. It's part of my daily routine along with reading and doing my affirmations.  The easiest thing to do is to be happy and always think positive thoughts, because one's thought are powerful.And if you expect negativity, and stay in a negative pattern, that's what you will get majority of the time.  I am not saying making these changes is smooth sailing, but taking the first step and having faith, is what you need to do to at least begin to breathe a new life.




Stay blessed-Much Love
Miss Ember

All Things Come to An End

So I wasn't able to do everything that I wanted to do in this city of angels adventure, but at least I got my big toe out the door.  I met some incredible people that I hope to stay in contact with and some wonderful advise from the wise crew.  I definitely had some hard times during my stay but I wont focus on the negative, only on the blessings I have and the ones to come.  I know when I return back home I'm going to have a bigger drive with my dancing and poetry. It defintely can't be all fun and games all the time now, I need to make a schedule/routine and stick to it.
Part of it will be working out, writing a poem a day or a choreographed piece,  meditating/cleansing my soul, taking more dance classes so that I may audition for some agencies that I receieved numbers to.  Research on finding a job that fits me!! and not just another paycheck. Picture what I want to do, accomplish, and set them to make it happen. "Go for it! It's time to move Ember" and that's what I'm going to do. You should do the same!


Much Love and Blessings;
Miss Ember

City of Angels

So I've been in Los Angeles since the day before Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving was real chill and relaxing spent time with my close friend Svenya and my temp boss George. I have met alot of people while I've been here, I hope to stay in contact with everyone when I return back to Charlotte. So far...the probation period of Los Angeles, you definitely have to have money, a great support system, and strength.  Stength to support yourself when everyone questions your ability and dreams, strength to keep following your passion and dreams, even when people try to tell you differently.  At times I've been down, but has one of my tarot cards told me the other day, "Steady Progress" Right now I'm in the right place, at the right time, for me...I'm not on the same time line as everyone else, I currently dont have a relationship, my own intimate family, but that doesnt mean it's not going to happen. Another saying I'm trying to keep in mind during my stay and also for the new year to come is Go For It.  Stop worrying about what will happen if i take that Risk, the risk to talk to someone, the risk to audition, the risk to fail.  Stop worrying and just Go For It. I have the Angels beside me and God's destiny within me. I just got to stay positive...

Every morning now I learn to meditate.  Just focus on my breathing and think positive thoughts to release any negative ones i've had in my life, past and present. I want a clean future, a bright one. 

I havent been out of the house that much but the times that I do theres SO many characters, and they walk around like they're the ish...not conceited or cocky, but definitely with confidence. I certainly want to walk around and have that confidence within me and even if i hear negativity, make sure I don't marinate on it, because that's just life and bad energies trying to get me down, and I'm not going to let them win. 

These past few weeks definitely have been teaching me more discipline and appreciation for the smaller things. I'm so not L.A. (as some people say here).  And even if I was to move here I still wouldn't be, I'll still be me just living in L.A.  Lately I've been feeling like life most certainly have bigger and better things for me, more so then what Charlotte can hold.  I'm going to feel like a small fish in a big ocean again, but I definitely feel like I'm capable of it.

I have learned alot more then just the few facts I've stated above but I wanted to start up the blog again since I havent written in here for a few weeks now. 

Keep me in your prayers. Stay blessed..Much love,
Miss Ember