Life Loans a Lesson

The purple veins of the night dissipates as the devil sun smashes behind,

morning is here, pulsing and screaming over the horizon,

a classroom backdrop, the room is silent,

empty, longing to be filled,

trees bend and thrust the wind as it hounds outside her windows,

light leaps between leaves, gradually poking through the glass before bouncing gently off the black chalkboard reading

Final Exam: Life Loans a Lesson

a perfect combination of the sun and childlike hurricanes,

and she laughs

and laughs some more at the sunbeams,

sunshine doesn’t live here she says under her shattered chuckle,

this is what one would call a wounded morning,

a genesis of destruction,

she parked herself at the wooden desk, groping it as she shuts her eyes,

head bowed, hypnotized by the darkness, embracing every second,

she has a phobia, lately, for the light of reality,

so she sits and waits like a wish in the pits of a fountain,

anticipating for her mind to touch peace,

time circles around her head and she issues a silent prayer

this too shall pass, she says to herself,

false peace glows, infant possibilities shudders as

déjà vu creeps up inside her, operating to steal her breath,

her stomach filled with sharp stones and heavy bricks

makes her want to surrender to the tiredness fueling her thoughts,

but she resists,

She remembers every collapsed relationship,

every heart piece misplaced, powerful words left unsaid,

the nightmares of love and the fears of lust,

she’s a living example of fractured poetry,

Where do I go to hide from me? she asked,

Staring wide eyed now, revealing red veins encompassing over dark irises,

eyes wounded, she’s feeling the need to cry,

but her tear ducts are too proud,

She has a smile that can light up shadows

that play tricks swiftly in the room,

but she barely wears it, lately,

she gazes in smoking wonder at the memories she bumps into

when silence pops in and surrounds her,

she twists her fingers around other fingers,

probing for answers for oppressed thoughts that mingle,

lock together, kicking and screaming,

she caresses the paper subject line displayed in front of her,

it reads YOU

feelings begin to drift inside,

she takes them in to keep them blind,

yet emotions grovel for release,

when did it begin,

where each breath she takes becomes resilient suffering

until the release?

She’s working up the strength to tear up all the written

future ideas and plans staring below

under the topic line reading YOU,

and scatter them into the ocean of truth

but she’s quarter half not, quarter half ready to push denial down the stairs,

or is she feeling careless and will play the fool for one more day?

She craves for one more moment of passion,

If we shake off the shackles of knowing,

can he and I, be…maybe allowed….she debates,

I guess this is what running into the wall of exceptions feels like,

Hell after all is an acquired taste,

she says as a smirk edges towards her lips

Tiny beads of sweat populate on her top lip and the bridge of her nose,

her body temp starts to climb as her heart little by little begins to gallop, stressing, sensing the collective lonely plastic hearts shivering outside her windows, bathing in the sighing broken grass and cracked leaves,

her right hand grasps her chest where her terrible wreckage resides,

drowning in it’s beats, her heart had learned to listen this time,

it worked to detect the truth in a lie,

even when clouded with emotions and sights of him

her heart bent backwards to hear her and

was able to conclude and collect a thought, or two, in it’s hands,

her heart understand she’s a master piece of Picasso, perfectly fucked up,

Silence no longer splashes its color,

she’s surrounded with scattered searing sounds,

the screeching of trapped hates and past lovers,

her butterflies flutters by the window pane,

his memorable organ of laughter ripples closely behind,

his name curls under her lungs shoving her honey soft lips to call it out,

and she does, its hungry echo echoes a quarter of an hour later,

making her break in all the right places, so she holds them hostage,

working to not break down,

Inhaling the smell of what was done,

exhaling the sound of disbelief, requests for silence and strength

tossed up to God as she digs her toes into the floor,

She doesn’t know much about him and he doesn’t know much about her either,

Do they prefer to keep the mystery, or maybe, just maybe,

they’re both comfortable not knowing

While screwing up her breathing, there was no escaping from her voice,

so she decides to steal away a moment, chew it out of taste

to arrange a get-together of her thoughts and her heart,

listening to that twisted heart of hers she might just learn something, spilling potent words and questions,

How, how did he become my torture?

How could this...this feeling be born from another?

I did not plan on staying this long; I didn’t think I would need….

I want you,

yes you, I want you to stop disturbing my sleep,

having my mind feed on you,

making me ask should I think to give it all,

give it all in a world where not much ever seems to last?

Ha! You know, cool points for you,

for thrusting your way through,

choosing to work to be that “one of a kind”,

stapling stenciled images of you in my mind,

clever,

I isolate my heart you draw me into your world,

if only you knew the immense power you hold at your fingertips,

I’m terrified yet surprised I’m still intact,

So I’m tapping out now, last call,

It’s half past of making no sense,

flirting with ideas of possession,

the ideas of what would happen if I do,

what would happen if I don’t?

I could resurrect you from this curse you believe you’re under,

but you don’t want that,

I could hold my wings under your wound hoping I heal you soon,

but I can no longer,

make myself fall backwards into how I used to be,

It would be easier and okay for me to say I’m over it,

pretend to not care, be the type that never admits,

say that when I dream, that I prefer for you to NOT be there,

and that you’re like a great dream that I later won’t remember,

and you’ll go back home and I’ll go to mine and everything is…

you know,

make me be the one to make music mute your smile,

stomp all over the memory when you first caught my eye,

I understand that shit like this under-whelms you,

And if I could love you, I would…

I’m not sure what my words mean exactly, but I do know

that I’m losing sleep over it,

you need to… I need you to be honest with me,

instead of shifting uncomfortably in your skin,

so I ask let me in or let me out,

I need to know so I can let you go and eat the key…

to my own happiness…

And with that said, she packed up her luck,

side steps away from the desk, holding on to the paper the reads YOU

then he walked in,

a sun baked skin walking dream,

a tall glass of water sipping on a glass of water,

at that moment a cloud ripped in two,

clock’s arms decapitated, spins out of control, turning back forbidden,

sounding out alarms she accepts the sirens of time,

a breeze squeezed through the partially cracked window stroking her hair,

this is where hell begins, it whispered,

he sets off beautiful disaster in her,

she goes limp as she swallows his eyes,

plugs her ears into his words, ready to drink in his sound,

ready to crash test her heart,

secrets were tearing her apart inside, dining at her expense

trying her hardest to make all those feelings she spoke of unbend,

but words froze,

the taste of ice in her mouth and a dreading moment happened,

her words

….fell

fell…. through her, making her unable to react, a fool she became,

the very liquid of her soul was gradually eroding,

he was committing poetry murder and didn’t even know,

she appeared seemingly normal to the untrained eye,

especially since she presented herself with her head up now, shoulders pulled back, tossing a smile on her face as their eyes merged,

worried she would lose her eyes to him,

her sense of humor rose for fog of protection,

run for cover she whispered,

waiting for him to say “I will let you in”

hoping she had conquered him with her youth,

but…

but they don’t even speak,

what a shame she thought If only he was here a moment sooner,

because now that you have arrived, I have forgotten how to do it,

sucking up her last breath of him, leaving him with the look that

everything will be alright

she sees happiness waiting for her at the door,

she hands him the paper subject line now reading ME,

passes him by, leaving no footsteps to track which way she went,

not even throwing in a last glance…

Moving Forward

So it has been several months since the last time I had written in here but I'm adding this blog into my meditation routine so that I won't neglect it like I have been.  I know people think or say that people can not change in a short amount of time. However I feel like I am the same person but I have grown a lot into being wise and understanding life itself.
 For example:
                   1. There was this woman, I knew her for 3 years, maybe more then that, well it felt longer.  I enjoyed her company, even with having a best friend previous to her, I could actually call her my best friend and sister, and meant it more with all my heart then I could understand to share at the time. It was crazy how we became friends, people thought it would be impossible for us to be so close and have no intentions of calling it quits, but life and people in this life, have ways of manipulating the situation.  No matter how long you know someone I guess you truly don't know someone until the hard time or times come. We had two major fights within a week, both involving other people, one her husband and second my ex best friend, in the 3 years I knew her.  I hate when friendships and relationships end because of other people's doing, and not because WE didn't make it work. But even though I miss that friendship, and being able to share things that I couldn't tell anyone else without being looked at psychotic, seeing her beautiful kids, laughing it up with her parents, going out to clubs and having the most extreme craziest adventures, that still to this day even though we don't talk, I still share with other people about it. I can actually say I have moved on and know that she was a person I needed to leave behind, even if I didn't want to. I had held a lot of resentment towards her previously, especially right after we stopped talking, and even briefly a bit hurt when I saw her hanging out with my ex best friend. I literally saw my face being removed and replaced with her face, so much that I thought about writing her an email just to say something, I didn't even know what, but after meditating about it, sharing it with my parents and people who've known me longer then I've known myself, we all agreed I need to put that behind me. No need to keep stepping back into the past when I have moved forward so much within the past months. So with that conclusion I wish you the best if you ever read this, I do, even through all the bullshit.  I wish you a successful marriage, and that your kids continue to grow beautifully, and even though you've hurt me more then words could describe, I'm doing amazing, and I don't take back our friendship, sisterhood. Stay blessed!


Another example:  My most recent ex from last year, it's crazy what people are capable of doing even when you think that they never would.  He's a great magician, he's great at creating illusions of what you want, and giving you nothing in return.  I was willing to wait for him for 2 years while he traveled overseas for a teaching opportunity, only for him to cheat with his co-worker that traveled with him. We all had hanged out with each other in the states until they both left.  I gave her my blessing, only for the person you least expect to stab you in the back. "" If a girl ever "steals" your man, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him, because a good man can never be stolen."" This statement is so true. I was so devastated when I found out through transcripts on skype that he was with someone else, and even when I confronted him he still denied everything. So I had to do what was the best for me, I called it quits.  I'm way too good of a woman to waste my time on someone who doesn't see what I see. I used to call him asshole or roll my eyes whenever his name came up in conversations, but the past month I've been able to say his name and even laugh at some of the things people say with past or recent stories since we still have a lot of mutual friends. Then recently I had this dream about him and his girlfriend (side note what is exactly a promise ring? Especially if that someone has been engaged previously twice? Stalling method?) and his name came up more in conversations, I felt like an interaction was soon on its way. Which I was right, the next day I get a phone call from him, I didn't pick up. I was more so WTF? then willing to hear him, I email him to ask why he call, long story short, he denies that he called, that I'm the last thing on his mind and that I shouldn't have an attitude with him. RIIIIIIIIIGHT?! but I told him to delete my number and to never make contact with me. Well I guess he didn't understand that because he recently contacted me through email again saying he would like to discuss something with me that he can't do through text/email and it's on me if I want to hear what he has to say.  If I could tell you the whole story readers you would know that I've gave him more then his share of chances to discuss with me, but he always denied me the opportunity to speak my mind, to hear "his side" etc way before, and now he gives a promise ring to his girlfriend and want to make a clean slate with me, well this is what I have to say, "no. you may have all your others exs as your friends, but NOT me, if you can't treat me right when you say "i love you" or as your girlfriend, or keep him in your pants, and break up with me as a man you think you are, you DONT deserve my friendship, and nothing you can say can change that."  I'm not taking any more steps back into that past with him, his new "life", I'm moving forward because I was happy before him and I'm more happy without him now.

All these revelations took a lot of tears, contemplating, and hurt, but I know that where I am now, I need to be here.  I've been reading up on spiritual, body and mind healing. And it truly does wonders, I was skeptical, but no longer. It's part of my daily routine along with reading and doing my affirmations.  The easiest thing to do is to be happy and always think positive thoughts, because one's thought are powerful.And if you expect negativity, and stay in a negative pattern, that's what you will get majority of the time.  I am not saying making these changes is smooth sailing, but taking the first step and having faith, is what you need to do to at least begin to breathe a new life.




Stay blessed-Much Love
Miss Ember

All Things Come to An End

So I wasn't able to do everything that I wanted to do in this city of angels adventure, but at least I got my big toe out the door.  I met some incredible people that I hope to stay in contact with and some wonderful advise from the wise crew.  I definitely had some hard times during my stay but I wont focus on the negative, only on the blessings I have and the ones to come.  I know when I return back home I'm going to have a bigger drive with my dancing and poetry. It defintely can't be all fun and games all the time now, I need to make a schedule/routine and stick to it.
Part of it will be working out, writing a poem a day or a choreographed piece,  meditating/cleansing my soul, taking more dance classes so that I may audition for some agencies that I receieved numbers to.  Research on finding a job that fits me!! and not just another paycheck. Picture what I want to do, accomplish, and set them to make it happen. "Go for it! It's time to move Ember" and that's what I'm going to do. You should do the same!


Much Love and Blessings;
Miss Ember

City of Angels

So I've been in Los Angeles since the day before Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving was real chill and relaxing spent time with my close friend Svenya and my temp boss George. I have met alot of people while I've been here, I hope to stay in contact with everyone when I return back to Charlotte. So far...the probation period of Los Angeles, you definitely have to have money, a great support system, and strength.  Stength to support yourself when everyone questions your ability and dreams, strength to keep following your passion and dreams, even when people try to tell you differently.  At times I've been down, but has one of my tarot cards told me the other day, "Steady Progress" Right now I'm in the right place, at the right time, for me...I'm not on the same time line as everyone else, I currently dont have a relationship, my own intimate family, but that doesnt mean it's not going to happen. Another saying I'm trying to keep in mind during my stay and also for the new year to come is Go For It.  Stop worrying about what will happen if i take that Risk, the risk to talk to someone, the risk to audition, the risk to fail.  Stop worrying and just Go For It. I have the Angels beside me and God's destiny within me. I just got to stay positive...

Every morning now I learn to meditate.  Just focus on my breathing and think positive thoughts to release any negative ones i've had in my life, past and present. I want a clean future, a bright one. 

I havent been out of the house that much but the times that I do theres SO many characters, and they walk around like they're the ish...not conceited or cocky, but definitely with confidence. I certainly want to walk around and have that confidence within me and even if i hear negativity, make sure I don't marinate on it, because that's just life and bad energies trying to get me down, and I'm not going to let them win. 

These past few weeks definitely have been teaching me more discipline and appreciation for the smaller things. I'm so not L.A. (as some people say here).  And even if I was to move here I still wouldn't be, I'll still be me just living in L.A.  Lately I've been feeling like life most certainly have bigger and better things for me, more so then what Charlotte can hold.  I'm going to feel like a small fish in a big ocean again, but I definitely feel like I'm capable of it.

I have learned alot more then just the few facts I've stated above but I wanted to start up the blog again since I havent written in here for a few weeks now. 

Keep me in your prayers. Stay blessed..Much love,
Miss Ember

Allow Me to Reintroduce Myself

My name is Ember, some people call me Miss Ember, Em, Emmy, either way you put it I'm who I am.  Originally this blog started because I was going to document a year and a half of trials, tribulations, love, laughter, good and hard times of being in a long distance relationship (ldr) However, the LDR didnt even last two months because the person I had put my faith and trust in didn't return it back to me. Another woman who he had known for awhile came into the picture, and I just became an infatuation that he was able to have for the time we were in the same city, because once he left he changed and let what is in between his legs do the thinking, talking, and acting. I then became the love of his life to your only worth maybe 5 years of my life, you're not a lifetime. And NO ONE  ever needs to be around or wait for no one who dares to think of someone in that way. It's definitely not an unfortunate case because I rather had known within two months of him not being worth my time then waiting for a year and half for him...so thanks to him!

Soooooo that what was the original idea of this blog..but since I have moved on from that chapter, lesson learned, and I'm a wiser and stronger independent woman I have now made this blog into my daily/weekly thoughts. Different life experiences, questions, etc, so I would love for you to join me on this lifetime journey. All comments, suggestions, concerns are welcomed.

So since I'm reintroducing myself, my name is Miss Ember, a biracial (puerto rican and black) 100% Mixed..shout out to Svenya, independent,  NY native, currently in North Carolina,  majoring in culinary arts, minor in dance, poetic artist genius woman.....theres alot more to me that can appear to the eye and for what i can say through this reintroduction, but you will be educated about me more on the way in the lifetime journey of my blog...

Stay blessed..much love,

Miss Ember